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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22764607">I hate that I don’t hate you</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/San_station/pseuds/San_station'>San_station</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Romance, Based on a song, Fluff, HYUNSUNG, M/M, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Sanstation</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 05:28:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,721</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22764607</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/San_station/pseuds/San_station</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When you love someone too much, maybe it can come out of your mouth with different words to the same feeling. </p>
<p>Pairing: Hyunjin x Jisung<br/>WARNING: Angst, kind of fluff somewhere, I swear.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>58</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I hate that I don’t hate you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>HI! I posted this firstly on my Tumblr (San-station) as a Han Jisung x reader, but this is the original work, a beautiful Hyunsung. <br/>You can leave a comment if you like!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>His feet drawn him to the only empty bench near the dock, his nostrils could smell the salty water of the sea as he heard the waves meeting the sand a few meters away from him. Hyunjin was wearing a black hoodie, jeans and sneakers while he walked to the beach near his house to clear his mind, it was a difficult day for him to be alone, and not because he didn’t have friends to rely on, he just couldn’t stand being around people that day. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His phone vibrated inside his jean pocket and he looked at the bubble message that appeared on the screen. The edge of his mouth raised, showing a sad smile and he rested his back on the bench. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What would have happened if…</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A minute later, someone next to him cleared his throat taking him out of his own thoughts and his heart skipped a few beats. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey…”, Jisung spoke and sat next to him. Hyunjin watched him carefully, filling his mind with Jisung’s body, with his blue hoodie and the chubby cheeks he used to kiss more than Jisung’s lips. A lump appeared on his throat, incapable of responding or even swallow, he now had fisting hands to stop them from shaking and in his stomach a war was starting between butterflies and stomach acid. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“H-hi…, thanks for coming”, Hyunjin stutter and put his hands inside his hoodie. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I… I wasn’t sure, but Minho told me this could be good for us”, that name coming out of Jisung’s mouth boiled immediately the blood on his veins. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Really? From the start we’re gonna mention him, eh…?!</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jisung stared at him after no response and sighed, Hyunjin tried to look up at Jisung’s face but he couldn’t find the courage to do so.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How have you been?”, Jisung is the first to ask while his eyes were straight to the sea, Hyunjin moved awkwardly on his place and stared at his feet.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve been better…”, he mumbled gaining Jisung’s stare. The latter sighed one more time and moved closer to him. Hyunjin tensed his back and could swear Jisung stopped getting closer because he could hear his heart from where he was. “I know neither of us wanted to contact the other first but…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But</span>
  <em>
    <span> you</span>
  </em>
  <span> did”, Jisung’s voice was tender, every time he talked, Hyunjin felt shivers down his spine as he remembered the boy’s breath caressing his skin like old times when they laid down their shared bed, they used to rambled about things he already forgot because he was way too immersed in Jisung’s expressions that he would lose himself wishing to wake up every morning to that face. Hyunjin smiled sadly as his eyes met Jisungs.<br/><br/><br/></span>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s gonna be fine, Binnie, we do this all the time, we fight over something stupid and then, we settle things out!”, Hyunjin spoke through the phone as he fixed the belt on his dark jeans, he was wearing a red long sleeve shirt tucked inside his pants and his hair was freshly wet. “No, no, I already told you we have plans, Binnie, we’re going to grab something to eat, I made the reservation a week ago”, he listened as the older replied.  “Yeaaaah, no, he’s not here yet, he’s with Minho-hyung in some exhibition near college and they wanted to watch it for a while”. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Changbin spoke one more time and Hyunjin didn’t answer right back, he waited a minute and then, he responded.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m sure he remembers, we talked about this yesterday…, also is our third anniversary dinner! It’s gonna be so romantic! A stupid fight won’t change anything...”, he was happy, Hyunjin couldn’t believe Jisung had actually date him for three years before they almost grabbed each others throats in the first college semester. He loved him very much, he loved how talented he was, how kind and thoughtful he could be, moreover, he loved Jisung the way he was, it didn’t matter if they argued a lot, at the end of the day, they would love each other truly. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I gotta go, Binnie! It’s gonna be late and I have to call Sungie”, they hanged up and Hyunjin dialed his boyfriend’s number. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>One beep.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Two beeps.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Voice mail.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin frowned and tried again, but he received the same voice mail. He then decided to call Minho, Jisung’s best friend. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>One beep.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Two beeps.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Voice mail. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin swallowed hard and looked at the time, his reservation would expire in thirty minutes if they don’t hurry up, but he waited ten minutes before calling again. No response. He waited ten minutes more, twenty, thirty… Hyunjin waited an hour without Jisung’s reply and his heart shrunken. “He did forget it…”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The tall boy opened his social media and found stories on Minho’s profile, they were on a bar having some drinks after the exhibition, that’s when Hyunjin confirmed his boyfriend had forgotten his anniversary. With tears falling down his cheeks, Hyunjin changed himself into comfortable clothes and watched a movie for a short time. Suddenly, his phone vibrated with a notification from Minho, saying if he could pick up Jisung because he was way too wasted to carry. Hyunjin sighed and got up the couch, dressed one more time and got out the apartament he shared with Jisung.  </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <br/>
    <br/>
    <br/>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why did you want me here?”, Jisung asked scanning Hyunjin’s features as the latter kept his thoughts to himself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I wanted to see you and… I wanted to tell you something”, Jisung frowned but he got closer to the boy next to him. Again, a not so awkward silence filled the periphery while they connected eyes one more time.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <br/>
    <br/>
    <br/>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m serious, Hyung! I think I was the worst person alive in my past life...”, a drunk Jisung said as Minho stared at him with a cocky smile. “It feels so good to be true, you must know how if you love Chan that much”, he then swallowed the whole beer in his hand and scrunched his nose due the bubbling liquid hitting his mouth aggressively. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Nah, I love him but I know I was some kind of wonderful king on my past life, the one that chopped bad guys heads, you know”, he answer and Jisung laughed too hard that he almost fell from his sit. He clapped his hands and sighed loudly.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“No, but really… you know when you love someone that much that you just can’t say “I love”? But you say “I hate” cuz it’s so fucking strong and ugh, I hate this”, Jisung said exasperated and closed his eyes, he sighed one more time and smiled dumbly,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Meanwhile, Hyunjin had a weird feeling on his chest while driving to the bar, he was anxious. Jisung had already neglected him in few occasions just to go out with his best friend, and sometimes, insecurities could turn him into a monster. He would lie if he wasn’t jealous from time to time, that spicy feeling usually was healthy in relationships but when he started to feel ditched by his own boyfriend, you could see that coming. He started to feel like a third wheel when Minho was around when it should’ve been on the contrary. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin arrived at the place, it was crowded. He parked outside, told the parking guy that we has only here to pick up someone and entered the building. After walking among a lot of unknown people to reach out for his lover, Hyunjin finally found him and his best friend on the corner of the bar, they were with their backs to Hyunjin so they didn’t notice him coming. Jisung, on the other hand, was talking loudly as always.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hyung, I hate that every morning my pillow smells like him…”, Jisung said and Hyunjin stopped dryly on his feet. “And when he laughs, that sound makes me go… it makes me go crazy”, the drunk boy moved his hands to his hair and laughed.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I hate his smile… You know the mole down his eyes? I hate it so fucking much”, Hyunjin’s eyes filled with salty tears as his lungs retained the air. Minho shook his head with a grin and asked the bartender for two more beer.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Minho-hyung, I hate when he hugs me at night and… his kisses, ugh… I… I can’t stand them…”, Jisung smiled to himself looking at the ceiling and maybe imaging his boyfriend's mouth over his, his hands touching him everywhere, his warmth body making him shiver. Jisung felt deeply in love with him like the very first time he admitted that he was jealous of his beauty. He hated him at the beginning because he loved the way Hyunjin made him feel alive, they way he could be who he truly were without feeling judge by him. Yet, on the other hand, Hyunjin felt his world falling apart, he eavesdropped everything that was coming out of Jisung’s mouth and started to shake, the love of his life had broke his heart right there. He couldn’t take it anymore and walked away from the best friends.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I hate that he makes me feel so good, hyung… I love him so much it hurts and I hate fighting even when he’s not around. My mind is so uneased cause I don’t want to lose him and I fuck it up all the time…”, Jisung yawned and Minho glared at him, he then took his phone and frowned by the message Hyunjin had sent him.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Apparently something came up and your lover boy can’t make it here, so I guess you have to pick a taxi, Hannie”, Jisung groaned but stood up quickly making him stumble and stepped outside with Minho’s help for a taxi. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The first thing Hyunjin did when he arrived at his place was grabbing his wardrobe and tossed it to his suitcase. His was cold sweating and tears streamed down his face non-stop. His puffy and red eyes looked around the house while he collected his stuff inside the suitcase driven by disappointment and feeling miserably, sobbs could be heard resonated in every little space of his apartment but he didn’t care, he was alone. He felt alone. Before he could make another step, his feet failed him due the tremble and he fell on his knees, his heart aching if it was being cut with the sharpest knife.   </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The front door of the apartment opened letting Jisung’s eyes see his boyfriend desperately crying on the floor. The alcohol and his body faded immediately and he ran to catch him. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Babe! What happened?!”, Jisung’s despaired voice made Hyunjin fall back as he tried to stay away from his embrace.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Don’t touch me”, he whispered with a husky voice. Hyunjin stood up stumbling and headed to the bedroom. Jisung followed him with a concerned face, his boyfriend never had said that to him and it felt like wrong, it felt like something broke inside of him. When Jisung saw the suitcase, he panicked hardly.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“What the hell are you doing?!”, he screamed and Hyunjin passed next to him, avoiding his gaze. “Hyunjin, what the fuck? Answer me!”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I don’t have anything to say to you, Han Jisung”, Hyunjin walked to the living room and grabbed and saved some baby pictures he had on the place. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Is… is this about our fight from this morning?! C’mon, babe, It was a stupid fight”, Hyunjin didn’t speak and Jisung approached him carefully. “Hyunjin, couples fight all the time...”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“We can’t do this anymore”, Hyunjin spatted making Jisung step back.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“What do you mean?”, he was confused, he knew he fucked it up fighting over Hyunjin’s breakfast in bed, that he didn’t appreciated the cute gesture his boyfriend had had, he knew and he also was confused because Hyunjin was obviously mad about something else. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I can’t be with someone that hates everything about me…”, Jisung freeze, he had heard the conversation with Minho and was a misunderstanding. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“N-no! Babe, it’s not like that, you-”, he tried to defend his words, yet, something inside of him told him Hyunjin wouldn’t believe his words in that state.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re making me do this, Jisung, you are the number one reason I have to leave...</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
  <em>
    <span>”, Hyunjin closed his eyes to avoid more tears to appear, but it was useless, he felt like falling and nobody was there to catch him. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I did nothing to you!”, Jisung snapped. Hyunjin was being over dramatic and he wanted to explain himself, he always did that, he always was the victim there and it made him boiled. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span> “I hate that everything has to be about you and you being a crybaby makes me feel so bad”, He spoke one more time, watching Hyunjin putting on a sweater. He was now doing the silent vote, he knew what was coming next and he could avoid the impulsive force inside. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re so selfish… You act like you’re always right but right now,” the boy motion between him and his lover, “right now you’re making me feel like the villain when I would never-”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Han, stop it”, Hyunjin used that card, the taller boy knew that when he called the other for his last name, it would end the argument. Jisung didn’t like being called like that by his boyfriend, they both were aware of the situation and the followed words ended the argument,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I… I hate you so much…” Tears run down Jisung’s cheeks, he was holding himself in front of Hyunjin, he was ready to beg over and over again when things cool down but he never got the opportunity.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I know…”, Hyunjin finally said and they never spoke again in the rest of the year.  </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <br/>
    <br/>
    <br/>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I…”, his eyes itched with the phantom sensation of tears, however, there they were, wanting to dance by his cheeks like ballet dancers to be seen by his ex's eyes. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jinnie…”, Jisung whispered with red crystal eyes, a small sob was heard by Hyunjin’s ears and he turned to look at the boy with wide eyes. He didn’t plan to see him crying, it was just words and then he’ll leave. He took a deep breath and calmed his annoyed heart for a little. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I hate it…”, he mumbled. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?”, Jisung frowned and backed away a little.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I.. I hate this”, he repeated and got closer to the boy. “I hate that, after a year, I hate that I don’t hate you” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jisung was dumbfounded, he expected everything but those words coming from the boy he still loved. He reached for Hyunjin’s cheeks and his breathing sped up so much he started to feel dizzy from all the oxygen getting to his brain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It doesn’t matter what you do, Sungie, to me, nothing’s gonna change the fact that I’m still in love with you”, Hyunjin’s tears caressed his skin while Jisung’s thumbs cleaned them with such fragility, he couldn’t that skin for a year and he needed to take care as much as he could from that moment.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I still love you too, Jinnie… all the things you heard me saying meant that I love you, I love you so much…”, Jisung started to say as he kissed Hyunjin’s face slowly. Hyunjin smiled and grabbed the boy’s shoulders for a moment. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Minho-hyung told me everything a few months ago…”, the taller boy excused himself hiding a shy smile. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What took you so long?!”, Jisung scoffed and groaned as he cleaned his own tears from his cheeks. He was smiling dumbly like he did before, he had Hyujin with him and he couldn’t be happier.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I was ashamed of the way I reacted, I ruined everything, didn’t I?”, Hyunjin lowered his head and sighed, but Jisung made him stare at him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t think about that too much, okay, babe?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They looked at each others eyes with such intensity that the world stopped around them, the waves, the flying pigeons, the kids on the beach playing, everything fell silent and it was beautiful having the love of their lives between their arms.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jisung… the thing that I love the most is that I love that I don’t hate you and I don’t think I never will…”, Hyunjin broke the silence between them and so, Jisung murmured a thousands </span>
  <em>
    <span>I love you’s </span>
  </em>
  <span>smacking his lips over and over again against Hyunjin’s.</span>
</p>
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